~To the summer sunset on a holy night, On a long black road, all the tears I fight. ~
I spent the Fourth of July thinking of death. Not of the death of the millions of slaves during just the transportation of the Trans Atlantic slave trade, not of the blood soaked into the ground from our indigenous siblings, but of a more personal death. the death of a friend.
When I visit my grandmother, there’s always a list of people I have to show my face to, whom I have to sit with before I can have peace in her house. As the years have grown, that list has shrunk. Death came before I could ring the doorbell, before the phone rings for happy birthdays, Merry Christmases. While I have been on this life-changing experience, that list grew shorter by another name.
So I spent my Fourth of July in Texas surrounded by white people in American flag clothing variations, blasting country music that never even darkened the door of Cowboy Carter or any artist of color. However, every song sung American pride, the struggles of trucks, beers, and exes. After teaching workshops on reconciliation. And I anticipated that fact, making me feel angrier, making my tongue sharper in response to the national anthem being played before meals, with shirts that read “home of the free, because of the brave.” But I wasn’t angry, at least not fully.
After one of my sessions, a youth came to me to say, "Thank you, because reconciliation to them was knowing the history we all bring to the table, how we are connected, good and bad." So, no, I wasn’t angry. Even being on a mostly white campground in Texas, hearing Cotton Eye Joe for the 5th time, as fireworks went off over a lake to celebrate America’s “freedom”. Because I closed my eyes to take a breath. For those who built America, who died for America unwillingly, and for those who were forcibly removed for America to be made. Then I remembered Juneteenth and how it took that and a million good and bad interactions Of those before me that led to a young queer black woman from Alabama to spend 8 weeks traveling the US talking about black history, liberation, joy taught to us by Jesus with all the good and bad. Then I opened my eyes and watched the fireworks.
I used to hate getting that list from my grandmother. Grumbling as I sat down to make my calls or laced up my shoes to walk down the street. Greeting everyone, I was instructed to greet. It took 26 years and watching a few names be removed from that list to realize she was teaching me the practice of reconciliation. With every knock, every call, every visit, we listened to those who came before us. Remembering what they said, what they did, showing them your face was not just saying “I know where we came from and what we bring,” But living into it. I shed a tear on the fourth of July, but not because of America, but because of the history that being American brings to the table, good and bad.
For those who have been removed from that list, and for those who are still on the list. May the lord bless you and keep you, may peace be with you. And thank you.